New Directions

Okay, okay, I know. Call me a nerd or a "Gleek," but I just titled my blog post after the name of the Glee Club in one of the most popular shows on TV right now, Glee. I never miss an episode. And although many elements of the show aren't ideas I necessarily stand by, I really do enjoy the music and the encouraging message of the show. The latest episode was especially moving as Rachel composed her own song and performed it for Regionals. The context of her song is a little bit different than the context of my life, but I still related to the song and was incredibly moved by her performance. Again, I know how nerdy that sounds. But in the past 8 months or so, I've felt some of the same emotions this song presents: defeat, worthlessness, desperation, confusion, wanting someone to notice, asking "what now?" and failure. It's called, "Get it Right," and I'm gonna let you listen for yourself.

I've had...a rough sophomore year of College. But it's not over.
I have a chance to finish out this year right. I have the choice to make my life better. I have the ability to do my schoolwork and go to class. I have the willpower to get up every morning and thank God for Crown College while I'm still there. I have the courage to confront my fears and be honest with people I've hurt (and that is a lot of fears and a whole lot of people).

I'm nearing the end of my Spring Break and I've done a few things this week that have really given me an edge to make things happen in a healthy way in my life. And the week isn't even over yet. I still have people to see, conversations to have, and hard things to admit to myself. But I'm choosing not to do something from here on: run.
On my High School cross country team, I was not a top athlete or a Top 10 runner. However, I've always loved running more than any other physical activity, and I had gotten pretty good at it by the time I graduated High School. After graduating, I didn't join a team or even run on my own anymore (which...might explain the "Freshman 25" I experienced...) but I did start recognizing a different kind of running that I had been getting really good at. I've come to see how incredible I am at running from things that are hard; things that I'm afraid of or just simply CAN avoid. If it can be avoided, it will be. That's what I've been doing almost my whole life. I trained myself really well, almost to the point of not even realizing it when it happens.
Eventually all that running caught up with me. And it exploded in my face. I ran away, and in the end opened up a lot of hurt on the people around me.
I've been realizing something. Here it is: how can I truly say that I have deep connections...true friendships with people if all I do is avoid hard stuff with them? Almost all of my relationships thus far have been surfacey, or one-sided, where I established trust with people to where they trusted me with their lives and their emotions (good, bad, ugly, and all else) but I didn't trust anyone with my own.
"I can handle myself. I'm independent. I don't need anyone to 'fix' me or help me."
What kind of relationship is that?! Me pretending like I care about people, while the people who TRULY care about me are the people I keep at arms' length? Why is it so easy to push the people you're closest to as far away from you as possible?
Because real relationships are hard. They expose hurt.
And I was afraid of that. I didn't want people to see the real, muddy, low, icky condition of my heart, therefore, if I pretend to be someone else, they'll actually love me. (And I've already established the idea of pretending to be someone else in an earlier post.)

So I'm going in a new direction. I'm done being someone else. I'm done keeping people at arms' length. I'm tired of running. I'm new. I'm me.
So, with a new haircut, a new pair of glasses, a new attitude, and a new heart, I'm ready to start giving up control. God has my running shoes. It's like that scene in Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts hands over her running shoes to Richard Gere so that she can actually marry him and be with him. I'm ready to actually start my life, and I'm so excited about a new direction.

Encouragement is key. I can encourage myself all day long, but you have a part in this too.
I need you.
I need to begin to form real relationships with people. Especially those I've been "closest to" for years. I'm sorry I haven't been honest with you. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I ran from you.
This new haircut is the symbol of a new direction...let's go that way together.

2 Corinthians 5:17

A New Year's Post: On Roller Coasters and Road Trips

To those of you who follow my blogs...I'm super sorry that I'm a terrible blogger. I'm still new at this. Life lately hasn't been something I really would enjoy blogging about anyway...
Don't get me wrong. I've got things in my life that I love and bring me great joy.
But I have to tell you that 2010 has been a roller coaster. I've felt so many emotions. I'd like to say that I've experienced all emotions within this year, but I know that's not true. (For example, I hear that giving birth or the death of a loved one are emotions unparalleled to any other...neither of which I have experienced.)
My emotion right now? To be honest it's not great. I can't explain it, but it's not pure joy, like eating a bowl of granola and yogurt. It's not devastation, not loneliness, not sorrow. It's...uncertainty. It's fear. It's...worthlessness. I hate to say it. I hate admitting it to people. And I am definitely not fond of "those people" who spew their negative emotions all over the internet to attract attention and pity. I don't want that. In fact, I'm the type of person who hides her emotions and even masks them as to repel attention and pity.

But now I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be different. And to be different for me is to be honest. So, here I am...being honest and transparent.

It's 11:31 on December 31, 2010. In just 29 minutes, this long, crazy, unbelievable, whirlwind of a year will end. And I praise God for that. Most of the time, as I think of myself on this out of control 2010 Roller Coaster, I want to say that in a half an hour I will be getting off of this ride and getting onto another one. Hopefully a better one. One that I like more, that will make me less dizzy, less sick, consisting of less unpredictable emotions. This year, it was like one minute I'd be having the time of my life, hands raised and a huge smile on my face, and the next I'd want to do nothing but throw up, screaming as best as I could for someone to just save me from this torture.
However, sometimes I can't help but think that this 2011 Roller Coaster will be the same tortures: up and down and twists and turns, but in a different package.

And I'm afraid.

I love roller coasters. I love amusement parks and rides and thrills, new adventures and things uncharted. I thrive off of them. So this fear of a new year is strange. I don't like it. I don't like this feeling of being afraid of something I should be looking so forward to.
However, it's hard to look forward to...what you don't know.
You see, I have no idea what 2011 has planned for me. I don't have any plans. I don't have any desire to make plans. I don't have anything to drive toward. Maybe instead of a new roller coaster, 2011 is like a road trip that I'm about to take: because I know I'm going, but I don't know where I'm going, what I will find on the way, or who's going with me. I don't have a map or a plan or a destination.

For those of  you who know, you're aware that my 2011 was all planned out. I was getting married in June. Which meant getting through a spring semester at Crown, making wedding plans left and right during that semester, and just enjoying my last semester as a "single" 19 year old. Then after the wedding, a honeymoon was planned, and then plans were to be made about getting jobs for the two of us and living down on campus while we waited for Fall Semester. Then fall would arrive and we would be "us" from then on, living in married housing, increasing our college debt and going to school.
There it was, my whole 2011 plan. A plan for a year that would set off the start of the rest of my life.
I had something to live for...something to work toward: a wedding, a marriage, the rest of my life as a wife. And as you may know, I no longer have those things to work toward.

So...what do I do? I've made this decision that drastically changed my life and my plans. I decided to not have the plans I had before...so what happens now? When do new plans start to form? What do I live for now?

This new 2011 Road Trip scares me. I'm just being honest.
But I don't want to be scared of the unknown. I want to go into it head-first and just embrace the adventure. I just need to figure out how.

So I'm getting off this 2010 Roller Coaster and getting in my car, and I'm just driving. I love road trips, I love change, I love spontinaety and things unplanned. So why am I so afraid?

I want Psalm 37:3-7. Maybe that's what my 2011 Road Trip will be about. It will be this unknown, unplanned journey that I will focus solely on doing these things:

Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;


Join me? I can't do this alone. I can't do what I did in 2010. I created an unnecessary amount of dips, lows, twists, and turns that made me sick and dizzy because I went on the ride on my own. 

Now it's 12:07am. I'm on this 2011 Road Trip now. Who's coming with me? Pico and I are on our way...and we're trusting in God for it all this time.

You've Got A Friend In Pico

Wow, it's been over a month! What a crazy month it has been.
At the beginning of November (around the 2nd or 3rd) I was in the process of writing a beautifully crafted blog about the beauty of October and how I've been growing and changing with the weather. I was pretty impressed with it, to be honest! Something suddenly came up, however, and my world shifted a little. Don't worry, I hope to explain it all to you someday soon.
Right now, I want today's blog to be about my partner in crime! She and I are in this together. 

If you'd noticed, the url to my blog is "adventuresof picoandkelsey." But who the heck is Pico?! Well, she's one of my best friends! Look!

Yes, alas, she is a stuffed turtle.
She loves Skillet, apples, and long car rides.

As silly as I love to be, pretending to be best friends with a stuffed animal, there is a point to my silliness sometimes.
I've come to realize that no one is meant to be alone. Going through hard things, easy things, fun things, sad things, and all things in between is never meant to be a journey gone on solo. I think about ministry: partnership is KEY to a successful ministry. I think about breakups: comfort can't come from yourself, and picking yourself up is not ideal, fun, or easy. I think about self-discovery: encouragement from others and true friendship and love from people around you is necessary. And I think about joy: a partnership with the living Jesus Christ and a few solid relationships with dear friends and family are all you need.
Pico represents the partnership and friendship I have had through all of these experiences; The partnership and friendship I need; and the partnership and friendship I offer. It's about being there, through all the thick and thin. Through the tears and the laughter, the shame and the joy, the pain and the comfort.

Let me tell you, Pico is a darn good listener. She doesn't judge me when I bring my shame onto the table. She's inviting and warm. And she gives great hugs, too.

I want to be more like her.

My favorite, and the first, representation of God's will for partnership rests in the creation of Adam and Eve.

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him..."

-Genesis 2:18

Who has God created to be your helper, fit for you and your life right now?

Pure Joy, and a Bowl of Yogurt and Granola

Pure joy.
Yeah. That's what it is to eat Strawberry Banana yogurt with amazing granola mixed in and have it stuck in your teeth for a good hour afterward.

Pure joy was also the only way to describe what I felt this weekend in CHICAGO with the best: Katy and Rachel. Fall Break started last Wednesday after class. We left at 3, got on the megabus at 5 and were on our way to the best Fall Break ever. The zoo, the Cheesecake Factory, getting lost downtown, Wheaton football game (absolute domination, by the way), carving pumpkins, piercing Katy's nose, and so many more fun memories that will last a lifetime. Katy and Rachel: i love you.

Yes, we did buy matching Chicago hats and T-shirts and wear them in public. Yes, we did take a holding-hands-walking-away-from-the-camera picture in Millenium Park. And Yes, we did carve those pumpkins with the cutest little girls ever.

Of course, after any vacation, I didn't want to return to reality. Or to Crown. But it happened. I'm here. And to be honest, I haven't died. I'm very alive and very well. Why? It's all about being thankful for every new day. Being confident. Wearing something nice. Doing your hair in the morning. Being kind without wanting favor in return.
Those are all things that have been getting me up in the morning, these days. And they carry me through the day with a smile...and with pure joy.

I've chosen to surround myself with people who push me to be all of those lovely things: confident, kind, joyful, determined. And in doing so, we've brought each other the pure joy I keep talking about. We've all got our issues, worries, troubles, and faults. But we look at each other in love and move forward, still smiling.

So as for today, I'll polish off my plastic Simba bowl full of yogurty, granola goodness, grab my backpack, learn a thing or two in class, do some homework with my favorites (Katy and Rachel, of course), and continue to keep this smile on my face and with my head held high. And it all started with this silly bowl of yogurt and granola.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."

- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-24

It is time...

Well, well, well. I've finally given in to this blogging business. I'm not really sure why, but until now I never had a desire to be a blogger. I thought bloggers were annoying. "Dude, get a journal. No one needs or wants to know that stuff." I am a journaler, indeed. There is a certain privacy with journals that sets them very much apart from blogs. Blogs are for sharing, journals are not. However, I've come to realize there is a place for blogs in the world. I think I actually want to share my life with people. Whaaaat? New concept for me. At any rate, here I am.

So, why have I entered the world of blogging, you ask? Good question. And I believe it has a good answer. Bear with me as I explore my reasoning...

I have recently been experiencing (and inflicting) pain unexplainable. I've made decisions, caused conflict, avoided conflict (like the plague), and have been searching my heart to figure out what the heck is going on within me. Is that a question you're asking yourself, regarding this situation about my new single status? "Kelsey, what the heck is going on?"
Well, now's the part where I finally...for possibly the first time in your life...let you into my heart and mind. This blog is going to be a series of my experiences on this journey to self discovery and attempting to allow people to see who I am.

Believe it or not...you don't know me. And I can say that now with confidence because I don't even know me. No matter how close you are to me, I know with my whole heart that there are less than a handful of select people who I have allowed into my world. My real world. Not the world I've been creating for most of my life. That world doesn't exist. Not anymore. I created a monster disguised as a bubbly, smiley, good Christian girl, and this is me killing that monster and peeling off the masks I've superglued onto me and revealing myself to the world.
To you.
I'm assuming that because you're reading this, you either: are curious about what has been happening in my life lately, genuinely care about me, or are simply bored and are avoiding doing something productive. Either way, I don't mind. I want everyone to see me, no matter what it takes. Blog or no blog.

And so, as I attempt to answer hard questions you have and harder questions I have about my life, I will continue to fill you in as the days go by.

Caution: THIS BLOG WILL BE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY SCRIPTURE AND REAL ENCOUNTERS WITH THE LIVING GOD. if you're not ok with that, don't read any further posts.

I care about you. I love you. I'm going to be intentional about reaching out to you. 

As me. Not as who you've known before.

I call this my Psalm 37:3-7 Journey. Read it. Join me. I'm ready to actually live out the charges that this passage gives: Trust, Dwell, Delight, Commit, Be still, and Wait. 

I'm on my journey now. And as I continue, I want to also keep this in my heart and mind:

"Sow righteousness for yourselves and reap faithful love; break up your untilled ground. It is time to seek the Lord until He comes and sends righteousness on you like rain."

- Hosea 10:12 (CSB)

I'm ready. Let's go.