New Directions

Okay, okay, I know. Call me a nerd or a "Gleek," but I just titled my blog post after the name of the Glee Club in one of the most popular shows on TV right now, Glee. I never miss an episode. And although many elements of the show aren't ideas I necessarily stand by, I really do enjoy the music and the encouraging message of the show. The latest episode was especially moving as Rachel composed her own song and performed it for Regionals. The context of her song is a little bit different than the context of my life, but I still related to the song and was incredibly moved by her performance. Again, I know how nerdy that sounds. But in the past 8 months or so, I've felt some of the same emotions this song presents: defeat, worthlessness, desperation, confusion, wanting someone to notice, asking "what now?" and failure. It's called, "Get it Right," and I'm gonna let you listen for yourself.

I've had...a rough sophomore year of College. But it's not over.
I have a chance to finish out this year right. I have the choice to make my life better. I have the ability to do my schoolwork and go to class. I have the willpower to get up every morning and thank God for Crown College while I'm still there. I have the courage to confront my fears and be honest with people I've hurt (and that is a lot of fears and a whole lot of people).

I'm nearing the end of my Spring Break and I've done a few things this week that have really given me an edge to make things happen in a healthy way in my life. And the week isn't even over yet. I still have people to see, conversations to have, and hard things to admit to myself. But I'm choosing not to do something from here on: run.
On my High School cross country team, I was not a top athlete or a Top 10 runner. However, I've always loved running more than any other physical activity, and I had gotten pretty good at it by the time I graduated High School. After graduating, I didn't join a team or even run on my own anymore (which...might explain the "Freshman 25" I experienced...) but I did start recognizing a different kind of running that I had been getting really good at. I've come to see how incredible I am at running from things that are hard; things that I'm afraid of or just simply CAN avoid. If it can be avoided, it will be. That's what I've been doing almost my whole life. I trained myself really well, almost to the point of not even realizing it when it happens.
Eventually all that running caught up with me. And it exploded in my face. I ran away, and in the end opened up a lot of hurt on the people around me.
I've been realizing something. Here it is: how can I truly say that I have deep connections...true friendships with people if all I do is avoid hard stuff with them? Almost all of my relationships thus far have been surfacey, or one-sided, where I established trust with people to where they trusted me with their lives and their emotions (good, bad, ugly, and all else) but I didn't trust anyone with my own.
"I can handle myself. I'm independent. I don't need anyone to 'fix' me or help me."
What kind of relationship is that?! Me pretending like I care about people, while the people who TRULY care about me are the people I keep at arms' length? Why is it so easy to push the people you're closest to as far away from you as possible?
Because real relationships are hard. They expose hurt.
And I was afraid of that. I didn't want people to see the real, muddy, low, icky condition of my heart, therefore, if I pretend to be someone else, they'll actually love me. (And I've already established the idea of pretending to be someone else in an earlier post.)

So I'm going in a new direction. I'm done being someone else. I'm done keeping people at arms' length. I'm tired of running. I'm new. I'm me.
So, with a new haircut, a new pair of glasses, a new attitude, and a new heart, I'm ready to start giving up control. God has my running shoes. It's like that scene in Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts hands over her running shoes to Richard Gere so that she can actually marry him and be with him. I'm ready to actually start my life, and I'm so excited about a new direction.

Encouragement is key. I can encourage myself all day long, but you have a part in this too.
I need you.
I need to begin to form real relationships with people. Especially those I've been "closest to" for years. I'm sorry I haven't been honest with you. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I ran from you.
This new haircut is the symbol of a new direction...let's go that way together.

2 Corinthians 5:17