Don't get me wrong. I've got things in my life that I love and bring me great joy.
But I have to tell you that 2010 has been a roller coaster. I've felt so many emotions. I'd like to say that I've experienced all emotions within this year, but I know that's not true. (For example, I hear that giving birth or the death of a loved one are emotions unparalleled to any other...neither of which I have experienced.)
My emotion right now? To be honest it's not great. I can't explain it, but it's not pure joy, like eating a bowl of granola and yogurt. It's not devastation, not loneliness, not sorrow. It's...uncertainty. It's fear. It's...worthlessness. I hate to say it. I hate admitting it to people. And I am definitely not fond of "those people" who spew their negative emotions all over the internet to attract attention and pity. I don't want that. In fact, I'm the type of person who hides her emotions and even masks them as to repel attention and pity.
But now I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be different. And to be different for me is to be honest. So, here I am...being honest and transparent.
It's 11:31 on December 31, 2010. In just 29 minutes, this long, crazy, unbelievable, whirlwind of a year will end. And I praise God for that. Most of the time, as I think of myself on this out of control 2010 Roller Coaster, I want to say that in a half an hour I will be getting off of this ride and getting onto another one. Hopefully a better one. One that I like more, that will make me less dizzy, less sick, consisting of less unpredictable emotions. This year, it was like one minute I'd be having the time of my life, hands raised and a huge smile on my face, and the next I'd want to do nothing but throw up, screaming as best as I could for someone to just save me from this torture.
However, sometimes I can't help but think that this 2011 Roller Coaster will be the same tortures: up and down and twists and turns, but in a different package.
And I'm afraid.
I love roller coasters. I love amusement parks and rides and thrills, new adventures and things uncharted. I thrive off of them. So this fear of a new year is strange. I don't like it. I don't like this feeling of being afraid of something I should be looking so forward to.
However, it's hard to look forward to...what you don't know.
You see, I have no idea what 2011 has planned for me. I don't have any plans. I don't have any desire to make plans. I don't have anything to drive toward. Maybe instead of a new roller coaster, 2011 is like a road trip that I'm about to take: because I know I'm going, but I don't know where I'm going, what I will find on the way, or who's going with me. I don't have a map or a plan or a destination.
For those of you who know, you're aware that my 2011 was all planned out. I was getting married in June. Which meant getting through a spring semester at Crown, making wedding plans left and right during that semester, and just enjoying my last semester as a "single" 19 year old. Then after the wedding, a honeymoon was planned, and then plans were to be made about getting jobs for the two of us and living down on campus while we waited for Fall Semester. Then fall would arrive and we would be "us" from then on, living in married housing, increasing our college debt and going to school.
There it was, my whole 2011 plan. A plan for a year that would set off the start of the rest of my life.
I had something to live for...something to work toward: a wedding, a marriage, the rest of my life as a wife. And as you may know, I no longer have those things to work toward.
So...what do I do? I've made this decision that drastically changed my life and my plans. I decided to not have the plans I had before...so what happens now? When do new plans start to form? What do I live for now?
This new 2011 Road Trip scares me. I'm just being honest.
But I don't want to be scared of the unknown. I want to go into it head-first and just embrace the adventure. I just need to figure out how.
So I'm getting off this 2010 Roller Coaster and getting in my car, and I'm just driving. I love road trips, I love change, I love spontinaety and things unplanned. So why am I so afraid?
I want Psalm 37:3-7. Maybe that's what my 2011 Road Trip will be about. It will be this unknown, unplanned journey that I will focus solely on doing these things:
Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
and wait patiently for him;
Join me? I can't do this alone. I can't do what I did in 2010. I created an unnecessary amount of dips, lows, twists, and turns that made me sick and dizzy because I went on the ride on my own.
Now it's 12:07am. I'm on this 2011 Road Trip now. Who's coming with me? Pico and I are on our way...and we're trusting in God for it all this time.
